Sickness
by harrypottergleek97
Summary: Phil's suffering and Dan is trying to help. Warning: Could be quite upsetting, sorry! Deals with some serious issues. Hope you like it!
1. Chapter 1

**Sickness **

**Chapter 1: Bones **

**A/N Hey guys, I'm not really sure whether this is going to be long or short, I think I'm just going to go with the flow. Thank you for the reviews on all my other stories, I really appreciate it. If anyone wants to talk to me, or you want to give me ideas or talk to me about your own, feel free to PM me : ) **

Phil stood in front of his mirror in his baggy pyjamas, smiling slightly. He liked how his clothes were baggy now; it showed he had made a little progress. He shuddered, remembering the times when his clothes fit him, remembering being so horribly fat. No wonder nobody had wanted to be his friend. No wonder nobody had loved him. He still had a long way to go. He lifted his shirt of slowly and averted his eyes from the mirror as he tossed it onto the floor. He took a slow, deep breath, and then turned his face back to the mirror…

_It was disgusting. His skin, which had always been pale, was almost translucent. He didn't even look human anymore. You could count his ribs, his collarbone was prominent. V-lines, things that many people sought for, worked hard for, had been taken too far. It was grotesque. You could see his bones, and they appeared sharp, as though any minute they were going to cut through his skin. His arms and legs had no muscle, they were thin and spindly. He looked so fragile, and he was constantly slightly hunched these days. His cheeks were sunken, and his eyes bulged out of their sockets. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his eyes had lost their piercing blue. Now they just looked washed out, tiered. _

He studied himself for a long time. His skin was stretched over his fat horribly, and his ribs were barely visible. His collar bone was still hidden under the layers of fat, and his V-lines definitely needed to show more. He smiled slightly; at least it was clear that they were there. His arms and legs bulged, and his cheeks were puffed out. He looked like a fat cartoon character. He knew he was fat, he felt so unhealthy. He was exhausted all the time, pure laziness. No wonder he'd managed to get so fat.

Suddenly, Phil broke through. The small part of the old Phil that still remained. He could see how disgusting, how unhealthy he looked. He looked dead, he realised suddenly. It really wouldn't be hard to imagine himself as a skeleton at this point. Why was he doing this to himself? Just because there was no way Dan would…. The new Phil took this chance to take back over. He concentrated for a moment, squashing those thought, pushing the old Phil back into the prison in the darkest corner of his mind.

He averted his eyes away from the full length mirror again, and dressed quickly. He smiled as he looped his belt through the loops in his jeans. He had to make another hole to keep them up. He was getting there, slowly. He still had a long way to go. A long way until he would be worth anyone's attention, anyone's love.

He walked out of his bathroom and glanced quickly at his phone, ignoring all the messages. It was 6:30, Dan wouldn't be up yet. That was good; he wouldn't have to go through the effort of pretending to eat breakfast. He walked slowly into the living room, wincing slightly. He ached all over, but it was worth it. The pain was a sign of all his hard work. He didn't even notice hunger pains anymore, no annoying stabbing pains in his stomach. His body had finally realised that what he was doing was healthy, and it wasn't fighting anymore. He slumped on the sofa, and just sat there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Dan's worries **

He sighed slightly before opening his bedroom door. He'd been worried about Phil for ages, but Phil was refusing to talk to him, to tell him anything. He had been wasting away, and Dan just didn't know what to do. Peej and the others had come over, had tried to talk to him, but Phil had just ignored them. Last time they'd come, Phil had locked himself in his bedroom, and Dan had heard him crying. That's when he stopped the visits; he didn't want Phil hurting more than he already was. Dan knew they were still texting Phil, but he didn't seem to care. He acted as though nothing was wrong, but he was exhausted all the time. They never went out anymore; Dan couldn't bare the idea of leaving Phil alone, he never knew what he might come back too. As he stepped out of his room, he wondered what kind of day it was going to be. Phil had bad days, and better days. Dan refused to call them good days, how could he? He was still refusing to tell Dan anything, and he was still wasting away. On his bad days, he would lock himself in his room, and just lay in his bed. He had no energy to do anything. On these days, Dan would normally sit outside his room, trying to talk to him. Phil would ignore him, and Dan would go to his room and cry quietly. He would make Phil lunch and leave it outside. He would come back later and the food would be gone. He would get his hopes up, thinking Phil was getting better. Then the next day he would see the food hiding under some tissues in Phil's bin. On his better days he would sit in the living room and make small talk with Dan. Sometimes he would even play a video game, although never for very long. He was too exhausted. Normally they would just sit on the sofa, as far away as possible from Phil, watching Buffy. He would feel his heart rise at the slight smile on Phil's face as he watched vampires turned to dust. He wanted to cuddle up to him, but he was too scared of hurting him. He looked so fragile; Dan was scared that he could easily break him.

He walked slowly into the living room, and too his relief, found Phil sitting there. He smiled slightly and said "What do you want for breakfast?" He spoke gently, as though he was talking to a small child. Phil turned around slowly; it looked as though the smallest movement was causing him pain. He smiled at Dan, although it looked like more of a grimace "I had some earlier, but thanks." Dan didn't believe him. There was a time when he did, a while ago. He was determined that if something was wrong, Phil would have told him. These days though, he wasn't so sure. He knew that ignoring the problem wasn't going to make it go away, and it certainly wasn't going to help Phil. Dan still couldn't tell him though. He couldn't just say he didn't believe him. He couldn't force food down him either, just like he couldn't for Phil to talk to him. All of those things would hurt Phil, so Dan kept it to himself. It was better that Dan was hurting. Instead he asked "What did you have?" Phil wasn't looking anymore. He was staring into space, and he was acting as though Dan wasn't even in the room. Dan walked in front of him slowly, not wanting to frighten him. He knelt down so he was at eye level with him, and gently took Phil's hand in his. He was always so cold now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Dan's eyes **

Phil came back to see Dan kneeling in front of him. He felt the warmth from Dan's hand on his, and he realised how cold he was. He looked at Dan, who seemed to be waiting for an awnser. "Oh, sorry" Phil murmured. He did that a lot these days, just blanked out for a minute or so, and he knew it worried Dan. Dan worried too much, mostly about Phil. Phil hated the idea of making him worry, and he was constantly telling him he was fine. He tried to focus on Dan's face, ignoring the only sensation his stomach felt these days. The butterflies.

Phil and Dan looked at each other for a long time, before Dan said quietly "I'm going to go get you a blanket, you're really cold" Phil didn't want to hurt him by refusing his help, so he smiled and said "Ok. Thank you" Phil had been refusing to even talk to Dan properly for a long time, and he saw Dan's eyes light up at his acceptance of help. He seemed almost like the old, happy Dan as he said "Be back soon, little lion." Before walking out. Phil sat, waiting, trying to ignore the voice screaming in his head. "You're hurting him! I'm hurting him! I need to stop being so selfish!".

Soon Dan was back, and he draped the thick blanket over him. He leant over the back of the sofa and whispered "Toast. Please." Before walking into the kitchen. Phil sighed and tried to stand up. It took him a while, but eventually he was able to hobble to the kitchen. When he got there he leaned against the door frame, catching his breath.

Dan was leant over the toaster, waiting for the toast to pop up. Phil had felt so cold, and it was the middle of June. He just didn't know what to do; he wasn't used to feeling so helpless. He just wished he could sweep Phil into his arms and everything would be ok again. He wanted Phil to tell him what was wrong; he wanted to help fix it. People didn't just stop eating. He remembered how Phil used to be, how innocent and sweet. He remembered the boy who had believed in a shadow world, the boy who would snuggle on the sofa surrounded by toy lions, the boy who upset himself if he didn't upload regularly. He hadn't uploaded a video in 7 months, and Dan hadn't uploaded one for a few weeks. He struggled with acting normal in his videos, and people were noticing. He just kept saying he didn't feel well. He missed Phil. He remembered his bright, happy laugh, his infectious smile, the way his used to light up as he meowed. He felt a few tears slide down his cheeks. He hated that Phil was in pain.

"Dan?" Phil asked quietly. He didn't know what he was going to say, but he needed to say something. He saw Dan move his hand across his eyes and his voice broke as he replied "Yeah Phil?" Phil felt as though his already weak heart had just been pulled out of his chest. He froze, unsure of what to say, what to do. He watched as Dan turned around to see why Phil wasn't talking. Phil looked at Dan's eyes, wishing he knew what to say. He saw the pain, the hope, the sadness in Dan's eyes. There were dark circles under his eyes. Before Phil knew what he was saying he had broken the silence. "I'm sorry". He hated that Dan was in pain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Escape **

Phil was sat on the bed next to Dan. Dan had helped him there, and it took a lot longer than it should have. Dan sat next to him now, and all he could think about was how Phil had looked leaning against that doorway. He was struggling to support himself, and it had hit Dan how ill Phil actually was. When he was stood up, there was no kidding himself the Phil had lost a lot of weight, and it wasn't healthy. He clothes hung off him, almost as though Phil was just a hanger. Dan needed to know how bad it was. He was pulled out of his stupor by Phil leaning on him and muttering "I'm so tired Dan". Dan looked at him, and saw how the fatigue had finally overcome him. His eyes were drooping, and he was relying on Dan more and more for support. "Let's get you to bed" Dan said softly "I'll get your pyjamas" Dan felt Phil stiffen next to him, and he heard his yelp of pain. Dan reached around Phil and rubbed his back gently until he relaxed again. "It's ok" he murmured "I know your sick Phil, its ok. I'm not going to leave you and I'm not going to let you get through it alone. I need to see how bad you are."

Phil sighed, he couldn't stop him anyway. Not when he was in this state, it was taking all his energy just to stay awake. He felt Dan lay him gently down on the bed. His top was pulled slowly over his head, and then he heard Dan's slight gasp. He opened his eyes to see Dan's look of shock. He knew Dan would be disgusted. Phil was so fat; of course Dan would be disgusted. He watched as Dan struggled to undo his belt, and eventually he finally got it off. He closed his eyes again as Dan slowly removed his jeans, and he listened to the silence, giving Dan time to take it in. He waited for Dan's yell of disgust, but none came.

Dan looked down at Phil, his stomach churning. He really hoped he wouldn't be sick. Phil was just bones with skin, skin that was too pale. He could see the blue veins clearly under his skin. Dan felt tears prick the corner of his eyes, and he looked away before he started to cry. He didn't want to upset Phil.

Dan still hadn't said anything so Phil whispered "I know. It's disgusting. I'm improving though; I used to be so much fatter." He heard Dan sniff, and he opened his eyes. Dan was picking his pyjamas off the floor. He wouldn't look at him, and Phil knew why. He was disgusted with him.

Dan didn't know what to say, how could he reply to that? He wasn't prepared for this. He knew he couldn't stay silent though. Phil had to know that Dan didn't think he was fat. The longer Phil thought like that, the harder it would be for him to get better. "You're not fat, ok Phil? Never say that." He dressed Phil in his pyjamas, and he was about to sit on the edge of the bed again when Phil said "I want to sit up" Dan propped some cushions up and tried to prop Phil up on them gently. He could see that Phil was trying to be brave, but he let out a small hiss of pain. "I'm sorry" Dan whispered, and Phil just smiled at him. Dan quickly moved around to the other side of Phil's bed and sat next to him. He thought for a moment before saying "Why? Did you do this because you thought you were fat? Don't lie to me Phil" Phil opened his eyes slightly, and took a deep breath before saying "I am fat, Dan" Dan fought down the anger that was roaring in his chest and retorted "You were never fat. Something must have triggered this." He thought for a moment and then it hit him, and he couldn't stay calm anymore. "Did someone say you were fat?" he spat furiously. Phil flinched, and Dan suddenly felt guilt niggling in his mind. "Sorry" he said in a hushed voice. Phil smiled again slightly before replying quietly "It's Ok. Nobody had to tell me, it was obvious. I guess… I just wanted to be perfect, so people would like me." Dan was in shock, his mind frozen, but he managed to splutter out "People… liked you Phil. People still like you. Even if you had been fat we still would have liked you" Phil shook his head slightly before whispering "People pretended to like me. I realised that yo…everyone wouldn't like me unless I was… well perfect." Dan raised one eyebrow before saying "Tell me the truth Phil. I'm not an idiot, and you're a terrible liar" Phil sighed again before saying "Ok" he closed his eyes. He couldn't bear to see Dan's face once he had said it "I wanted to be… perfect… for you".

There was a long silence and Phil felt his heart plummet to the floor. He knew Dan would never feel the same way, even if he had reached perfection. His thought were interrupted however, when Dan whispered "You've always been perfect to me Phil, no matter how you looked" Phil's eyes snapped open "T-Thanks" he stuttered. He felt a warm pressure on his hand, and he realised Dan was holding it.

That's when he escaped. The old Phil, the real Phil. The Phil that used to believe in the shadow world, the Phil that was obsessed with lions, the Phil that had only ever wanted to be loved. That's one of the only things he had kept. His desire to be loved. That, and his love for Dan. This was the Phil that created the other, the Phil who made the first decision. The decision to get thin. He never knew he would end up like this, and he was still in shock. He didn't know what to do, what to say. He decided to just watch, and wait.

He watched Dan closely as he leant his head back and closed his eyes. He was obviously preparing himself to say something. Phil knew it, here comes the but… Dan sighed and said "Phil, you're sick" Phil didn't say anything. Dan waited, expecting an objection, but none came. Phil knew he was sick, and he was amazed that he had survived this long. He was lucky. "You need help" Dan continued. Phil squeezed his hand gently, telling him it was fine, he was listening. Dan took another deep breath "I'll help you, but I don't think I can fix everything, no matter how much I want to. You'll probably have to go to a clinic, have some sort of therapy. I'll be there every step of the way" Phil smiled at that, knowing he would be able to get better. The combination of his want and Dan's help would make him strong enough to do it. Dan waited for him to say something and Phil turned his head slightly towards him, smiling. "It's fine, Dan" Phil said, breaking the silence. "I know I'm sick. I just wasn't thinking before. I was in denial I guess. I will get better." He said strongly. Dan's face broke into a smile, his dimples showing. Phil realised it had been a long time since he had seen Dan not force a smile, and he couldn't help it. "Erm… Dan? Did you mean what you said earlier?"

Dan honestly didn't care anymore. It felt like he had his Phil back, but he wasn't sure how long it was going to last. He'd made a break through, but he didn't know if Phil would relapse. He realised how close he had come to losing his best friend, and he decided to be honest. "Yeah." He didn't feel like this was enough though. He had to make what he meant clear. "Little lion?" Phil smiled at his nickname "Yeah?" "I-um-I think I love you?" Phil raised his eyebrows and pouted teasingly "Think?" Dan laughed quietly and said "Fine, know." Phil yawned and said "Good, because I love you too." Dan smiled but before he could say anything. Phil continued, sounding slightly worried "Dan? Do you think you could take me to that clinic? Or a hospital or something? It's just that I don't feel too good."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Freedom **

Phil's eyes fluttered open and he smiled. Today was the day of his release from the clinic, and he was looking forward to moving back into his and Dan's flat. He turned his head slightly to see Dan asleep next to him, his arm still wrapped around Phil. Phil gently slid out from Dan's embrace and sat up, looking around their room. They had been here for a little over a year, and the place had started to feel like home. They had moved into their private living space about 4 months after Phil had admitted himself into the clinic. Those first few months had been the worst. Dan had only been allowed to visit for a few hours a day and they were never left alone. Phil had to be constantly watched to make sure he didn't try and hide his food. He had been tempted in the first few weeks, all that had kept him determined had been Dan. Of course, he had still had his dark days, and one easily stood out as the worst.

Phil sat on the edge of his bed, trying to coax the food into Phil's mouth. The nurse had been trying, and she had given up. They knew Phil well enough now to know that he was stubborn as hell, and if he didn't feel like co-operating, they wouldn't be able to make him. He'd already had to be admitted to the emergency ward 5 times because he went to long refusing to eat. He just didn't feel comfortable there. It smelt too much like a hospital, and he hated how he was expected to do as these strange nurses told him. Dan had offered to try and help and the nurse had left. Phil knew she was watching from behind the mirror, writing notes, preparing to send him to the emergency ward. Dan had been trying to get him to eat for 10 minutes when he put the food on the table "Whats wrong?" he asked, and Phil had eyed the food nervously before answering. "I don't like watching myself get big again" He hated watching the numbers get higher as they weighed him each week. They tried to hide the numbers from him, but he could tell by their smiles that he was gaining weight. Dan sighed and replied "Phil, it's a good thing. Your getting better. You already look so much healthier." Phil shook his head and said "I'm not perfect yet." Phil saw tears suddenly well up in Dan's eyes, and he felt a jolt of guilt. He was still hurting Dan. "I know you think you need to be skinny for me, but you don't, ok Phil? It's my fault, somehow I made you think a long time ago that you weren't good enough for me. You're too good for me, ok? I don't care about how you look, you've always been perfect. It's your personality Phil, not your weight." Phil's eyes widened. Dan though it was his fault? "It's not your fault Dan." Phil sighed "Sometimes I just forget that I've already got you. Now pass me the food, im starving, and I don't want another needle in the back of my hand so they can hook me up to that damn IV."

That had been the worst day; because it had finally hit Phil how much his self-hatred had been affecting others. He was Ok now though. He was still a bit under weight, but he was eating without supervision and he was confident that he could carry on. He would have to come back once a week for a check up, but apart from that, he was free. He only told Dan, but he was a bit worried that when he left, he might want to relapse. Dan had hugged him when he said this, and reminded him that he was going to be there to help him through. Phil glanced at the clock, and realised it was on 6:00. He bent over Dan, kissed his for head, and then climbed into the bed. He wriggled his way back into Dan's arms, smiling, and he knew he would be ok.


End file.
